I RESIGN

I am resigning... Yes, you've read it right... I resigned, have actually filed for it and was finally approved by my boss yesterday March 05, 2009...

I am supposed to stay until the 20th of March but was advised to stay until March end to at least observe the 30days notice. Nevertheless, I still am leaving... I got mixed emotions but I am more of happy about it... I've been praying for it and am very thankful that it was given...

I'm sure you're eager to know the very reasons why I wanted to leave after three (3) long years... Oooopsss, it's secret... nah, i don't need to hide it actually...

I'm leaving because I want to and more so I think I really need to...

This past few days I've been roaming around the streets (exaj) to find solutions to my problem - needless to say it's more on financial matters... 'till I finally realize that I need a long-term response for it or else I'll be drowned with all my obligations...

That's the time when I think about of having a new job that can give me the things I wanted in exchange of my unwaivering service... I prayed, worked on it and finally He gave it to me...

Even without knowing what exactly is in store for me out there, I have considered it as a blessing... I have a lot of things to be thankful about especially that it really happened...

What shall I expect?

From work - nothing, it's actually the same thing regardless of the industry I'll still be doing accounting... pressures are inherent to the carreer of an accountant... so not much of a change...

Environment - hehe... definitely a new one... away from the sea, away from the dust of summer and the black muds of the rainy seasons...

hayy...

i reallyt think i need to blog this up...

i just can't explain the feeling i am in right now...

Am i starting to fall in love again?

Or it is just brought about by the excitement of having someone again... or just a sort of expectation...

i really don't know...

all i know is that i can feel the "kilig factor" and the sense of anticipation from him...

because of this, i have to stop myself... before I explode... before it eats up my time and effort...

sorry, but I have to temporarily delete his cellphone numbers while I still don't memorize them...

i have to stop expecting anything from him in the first place to prevent myself from exasperation...

i don't wanna be hurt...

macoi is my one and only priority as of now...

i don't want him to get affected by my "insanity"(what a term???) or temporary madness in the first place...

i love my son so much...

it may not just be for him...

but if i'l fall in love with a man,

he has to love macoi too before i could give him the love that he deserves from me...

hayy...

COLORUM???

there's this one thing i learned which i failed to mention in my blog prior to this...

a term my aunt has taught me everytime somebody would ask where's or who's the father of macoi...

the reply would be...

colorum...

and that's already understood...

hehehe!!!

that makes sense...

NEW YEARS RESO...

time for us to formulate new years resolution...

it's been two years since i made a promise to myself that I won't smoke again, not anymore and I am proud to say that until now I am not and have not even done lighting up a cigarette stick in two years time...

last year 2008 was nothing but detrimental... i did not make any new years resolution... i just let my mind explode with lots of worries brought about by my pregnancy maybe...

but now, i guess the past year have taught me enough lessons to learn...

and this time i promise myself not to disturb and not to be disturbed by my agonies of being a single mother...

it may not be obvious but i must admit that yes I have this miseries which sometimes I cannot help myself but cry over those things about me being alone as a parent to my child... not thatI am regretful about it but because of some expectations from somebody...

and this time never will I ask for help from him, never will I update him of what's happening to my son...

the long holiday vacation has made me realized a lot of things about me as a person and as a mother to macoi...

macoi has brought me a bundle of joy nobody can replace...

even without his father, even witouht a partner... we can move on...

i saw that when almost everyone in the neighborhood in our province became happy brought about by the bright and fun personality of macoi...

and when we left they would surely miss my baby...

a simple smile coming from macoi is enough...

during the holidays the best gift i have ever received is the recognition macoi has given me...

because i could say that those were the moments when he fully realized that i am his mother, the only chances that we were really together and I am the one who's really hands on in taking care of him...

since macoi was born and for the coming days ahead i will continuously be proud of macoi as my son...

macoi has grewn up ang is growing up advanced showing signs of maturity more than his age... he is such a bright child... a brilliant one...

even without his father...

it isn't my loss...

my child has grewn up and is continuously growing up as a brilliant individual showing signs of maturity more than his age - macoi is such a smart being...

since the day he came and for the coming days ahead i will truly be proud of macoi regardless of our situation...

even without his father...

it isn't my loss...

Di-cember

hay... December, here it comes again...

when all or majority of the people in the world happily celebrates the birthday of the Redeemer - Jesus Christ...

What will we expect?

Gifts, other Christmas stuffs, bonuses,and a lot more things that make everyone of us happier than the ordinary days...

Personally, my emotions are all mixed-up as I feel sudden loss of things I usually enjoy and while I am also getting excited celebrating the first Christmas of my son Macoi...

How I wish I could give him all... but I guess all I have is a bunch of love & care that will never end...

NOt much of gifts and stuffs for him to appreciate...

When October came, I was wishing for a little Christmas lantern sparkling with lights as seen in the streets to buy for Macoi, now it's December, he still doesn't have it...

I was also wishing that we can now celebrate the holidays in our new house but still, this wasn't granted...

I am planning to buy for a digital camera so I can closely monitor macoi's activities through photos, unofrtunately I still don't have it...

All these things makeme somehow disappointed but these are just material things which we can still possess in the future...

But as for now, what I'm feeling is that, it seems like it's not December...

"Di December"

We'll I just have two wishes left for him...

1) Wish that we can celebrate Christmas in the province with grandmom...

2) that Macoi's dadi can simply greet him "Merry Christmas to my baby"...

The first one is simply close to reality, but the next one is still a wish which I am hoping to come true... =(

These things cannot be axchanged for a price...

OPEN-CLOSE

My life is and has always been an open book, till I finally decided to temporarily close it. I believe that I should wait for the proper timing to have it opened again. When will it be? In His time... – I’m keeping this faith, if He says so; nobody can avert it.

I also believe that He has given me a lot of chances to further do good, to finally choose the right thing even in the hardest way. Why? It’s because and I must admit that I am but a sinner. And for now, I just have to get going while it gets tough. And when it gets even tougher, He Has not failed providing me the strength I need – I need to continuously strive for our future (me and macoi) and to stay focus while others try to distract and disturb me.

I am very grateful that my prayers are almost granted though I sometimes and always fail to talk to Him.

After I’ve been through and while still trying to cope up from everyday challenges, I have proven to myself whom my friends are. And now I’ve learned not to build a sky-scraper of friends when eventually it is expected to fall down. I’d rather have a miniature tower of it while it is believed to stand until the end. I’ve also learned that happiness does not instigate from deafening laughter as laughter sometimes portray pretentious actions.

I may not and has never been that happy as what people know of me, but I may say that I have somehow reached a certain level of fulfillment in my life. Despite the pain, hardships, sufferings and other cases alike that I have encountered.

Bitter? Yes, maybe I am and now I know that it is caused by my impulsive character. I should have waited. I should have prayed harder for it. But this time I have to let go. And now I have learned to let go of things I have no control with, things that are not mine and especially those that I can’t possess to be mine.

Hurt? I think so. Still I am. Until this very moment I feel a pinch of it… as if a tiny spike struck deep within me.

When it will stop? That, I don’t know… In His time… as time heals all wounds they say…

I guess, when I’m ready and when given the chance to re-open the book of my life.