Di-cember

hay... December, here it comes again...

when all or majority of the people in the world happily celebrates the birthday of the Redeemer - Jesus Christ...

What will we expect?

Gifts, other Christmas stuffs, bonuses,and a lot more things that make everyone of us happier than the ordinary days...

Personally, my emotions are all mixed-up as I feel sudden loss of things I usually enjoy and while I am also getting excited celebrating the first Christmas of my son Macoi...

How I wish I could give him all... but I guess all I have is a bunch of love & care that will never end...

NOt much of gifts and stuffs for him to appreciate...

When October came, I was wishing for a little Christmas lantern sparkling with lights as seen in the streets to buy for Macoi, now it's December, he still doesn't have it...

I was also wishing that we can now celebrate the holidays in our new house but still, this wasn't granted...

I am planning to buy for a digital camera so I can closely monitor macoi's activities through photos, unofrtunately I still don't have it...

All these things makeme somehow disappointed but these are just material things which we can still possess in the future...

But as for now, what I'm feeling is that, it seems like it's not December...

"Di December"

We'll I just have two wishes left for him...

1) Wish that we can celebrate Christmas in the province with grandmom...

2) that Macoi's dadi can simply greet him "Merry Christmas to my baby"...

The first one is simply close to reality, but the next one is still a wish which I am hoping to come true... =(

These things cannot be axchanged for a price...

OPEN-CLOSE

My life is and has always been an open book, till I finally decided to temporarily close it. I believe that I should wait for the proper timing to have it opened again. When will it be? In His time... – I’m keeping this faith, if He says so; nobody can avert it.

I also believe that He has given me a lot of chances to further do good, to finally choose the right thing even in the hardest way. Why? It’s because and I must admit that I am but a sinner. And for now, I just have to get going while it gets tough. And when it gets even tougher, He Has not failed providing me the strength I need – I need to continuously strive for our future (me and macoi) and to stay focus while others try to distract and disturb me.

I am very grateful that my prayers are almost granted though I sometimes and always fail to talk to Him.

After I’ve been through and while still trying to cope up from everyday challenges, I have proven to myself whom my friends are. And now I’ve learned not to build a sky-scraper of friends when eventually it is expected to fall down. I’d rather have a miniature tower of it while it is believed to stand until the end. I’ve also learned that happiness does not instigate from deafening laughter as laughter sometimes portray pretentious actions.

I may not and has never been that happy as what people know of me, but I may say that I have somehow reached a certain level of fulfillment in my life. Despite the pain, hardships, sufferings and other cases alike that I have encountered.

Bitter? Yes, maybe I am and now I know that it is caused by my impulsive character. I should have waited. I should have prayed harder for it. But this time I have to let go. And now I have learned to let go of things I have no control with, things that are not mine and especially those that I can’t possess to be mine.

Hurt? I think so. Still I am. Until this very moment I feel a pinch of it… as if a tiny spike struck deep within me.

When it will stop? That, I don’t know… In His time… as time heals all wounds they say…

I guess, when I’m ready and when given the chance to re-open the book of my life.